Note to self

2011-12-26T17:29:00.002+08:00

oh why oh why.

what is real now?

2011-11-19T00:18:00.001+08:00

what is real now
when the truth
cuts deep inside
leaving behind
a wounded flesh

what is real now
when the wound throbs
like a weak pulse
in between threads

what is real now
when the throbbing
never really
wants to call it quit

What once a dream
a hopeful one
now lost
in a bleak, wet
december day.

false hope

2011-05-21T21:44:00.004+08:00

she watched him closely
as he slept so soundly
in a gentle breeze of the morning after
and the curtains danced a little dance
tickling the rustic wooden floor

she watched him closely
as he slept so soundly
and how his heart beat
for her
at each single syllable
in every single second
and forever it'd be

she watched him closely
as he slept so soundly
through the morning breeze
and wondered
if hers would ever
beat for him.

Love haunts

2011-05-18T11:27:00.000+08:00

It’s late December
With its gentle winter breeze
And its soft, rustling voice
Promising good hopes
And future
Love caught me unaware
Again.

It's late December
I Lay awake at nights
breathed the silence
the sorrow air
while the thoughts wandered beyond the cloudless sky
and the voices echoed into nothingness
Devouring me

So I wrenched myself away,
pulling away from the December
for the past
it haunts me
relentlessly
for the promise of an embrace.

fairy tale

2011-05-06T20:57:00.003+08:00

Tell me
why love
always begins with
the world
as
a better place
a joyous
and a happily-ever-after thought

Tell me
why does it
always start with
sweet promises
how it conquers all
brings in
hope and security

Tell me
if that's love then
in once upon a time.

awhile

2011-04-13T07:58:00.003+08:00

I thought of you again
this morning
It's been awhile
I know

You came again
on a crowded train
too abrupt
uninvited
caught me off guard
unintended
I know

I relived the past
my twenty minutes
on a crowded train
trying my best
to hold back
the tears again

I wish I could cry
for it has been awhile
since
the day i lost you
and you lost me.

Oh glory days

2011-03-22T00:10:00.007+08:00

Oh glory days
you are missed dearly
and at times
the constant thought
of you
puts a smile
on my dreary days

Oh glory days
the dreary days
are dry
and weary
but you keep me
going
for life without you
in mind
is a defeat
to my soul

Oh glory days
the soul is as bleak
as the evening clouds
and as heavy as
the rain pours
with clashing thunders
and lightning

Oh glory days
the rain has stopped for now
and the smell
like the fresh cut grass
at the early hours of the day
with a slight tint of humidity
a reminiscence, indeed

Oh glory days
who would have known that
those are the little things
that remind me of you
and I often wonder
if you ever remember me too

Grief and Loss

2011-03-17T02:27:00.003+08:00

We ought to cry
ought to be sad
ought to grieve
for the loss of the love
we ever so wished to keep
but never meant to last

As each is different
and unique
and every little quirkiness
representing
the flaws
the imperfections
where
to love
and be loved
in return
is a worthy

So who says
one will ever find
the same wanderer of
the lost love
to snatch him just in time
before he is gone
to what seems
to be a greener pasture

One will never will
but rest assured
as bitterness can sometimes linger
as the yearning and the longing
will eventually fade away
the memories of
joy
grief
and loss
of the lost love
remain
till the end of time

my dear valentine

2011-02-13T15:59:00.000+08:00

What is life
without love
loneliness?
lonesome?
alone?

But what is life
with love
contentment?
appreciation?
happiness?

What is life
without love
independence?
liberation?
empowerment?

But what is life
with love?
heartaches?
worries?
disappointment?

back.soon

2010-11-18T11:18:00.001+08:00

Please say
time heals the wounds
as the wait now
is too tiring
and exhausting

Please say
loneliness is just a pit stop
just a phase
for the next best thing
to come along

Please say
that throbbing aches
feed the soul
for the betterments

and please,
please say
love is back soon
that it is just around the corner
waiting to catch us by surprise
only when we are least expecting it.

where have all the cowboys gone?

2010-07-22T16:35:00.001+08:00

Becoming a research assistant, I had the opportunity to explore an extensive range of reading materials, mostly on the current economy, finance and politics of course. I would say, in 6 months time, I would probably write more on those than my ala miss bradshaw writing. I would miss that phase dearly.

Anyway, I’ve been quite an avid reader on a few blogs online and things that I’d read and digested were a real eye-opener and sad really. And one in particular is to do with education in Malaysia. Much had been harped on Malaysian education and its discrimination to other races and to a certain extent, the claims are true. Who wants to come back and serve the country when they were ‘told’ that they don’t matter; a second class citizen. I certainly won’t. I would be better off working abroad where I am appreciated.

I guess everything boils down to one of the basic human needs and that is feeling wanted, appreciated. When one feels appreciated, things will turn out for the better. We will work, to make it works. I do not run the country but the system runs on a vicious circle. At one hand, the Government has to protect the rights of the Bumis and as a result, the others are slipping away, feeling remorse, bitter and worst ; angry for being treating in such a way, scrapping their rights for education; scholarships.

Can this ever be rectified?

As long as the policy is the same, as long as there are some Bumis out there eat other Bumis for breakfast, lunch, dinner and supper and as long as Bumi never wakes up from the hammock of complacency, then the nation will always be at the losing end, unfortunately.

Sinking ship

2010-06-27T18:50:00.002+08:00

I have a friend who is so much in love and I really envy them both. They have been together for 7 years now. Anyway, he told me that he's cheated on him last weekend. I do not know if he managed to get away with it nor if he was confronted but that got me thinking. It is not possible to stop the lust, but to let it smoldering you, discredit the other half and things that you have been through together, is something interesting. Is this the part where love turns unconditional? that you accept each other flaws and put the past behind and move forward and no what-ifs? Impressive. Now if only I could be that person.

Why do we cheat really? There are more than enough reasons to justify that but for now a simple way to put it, is because there is not enough love anymore. It runs dry like the last week of sale. Whats left on the rack, are the leftovers that some of us can’t possibly relate to anymore. But others might still like it, no matter what season it is , we would still buy it and make it wearable.

I guess that works for cheating too. It won’t be in the picture regardless how tempting it gets if there is enough love to begin with. Because that triggers the pre-guilt in us that will eventually help us to rationalise the actions that we are about to commit and the consequences that are upon us afterwards. But again some would say, if they hadn’t cheated, they won’t discover how much they love the other half and the action has opened up their eyes to appreciate the love even more. True but I do think communication works better than saying I do to that ‘just-one-time-i-swear’. It is rather unjust on our part to only appreciate someone by hurting them first.

However, all comes down to one thing. If it’s a losing battle that we are up against with after countless of tactics and strategies deployed and employed, I say we all should embrace affairs like how others have done it, who knows we might end up with a keeper because feeble mortals like us can’t possibly keep a sinking ship afloat.

New Job.

2010-06-04T10:51:00.005+08:00

It's my last day at work today. Everyone is busy with his normal routine and I haven't got anything to do at all. Strange that I don't feel sad yet. Is this normal? It's my 7th year in the division and I should be feeling sad, leaving what I used to love most.
I will surely miss this but life has to move on. I have to move forward and embrace new things in life.

New job awaits me and I am super-excited.

I have expectations and I don't want to disappoint myself, let alone everyone.

Road not taken.

2010-05-12T06:07:00.002+08:00

I am tendering my resignation on Friday and it has been a bitter sweet experience of my 7 years in secondary teaching. It has helped me to strive for the best, despite the rain and storms in between.

What I would not miss? A lot, actually. I don’t think I’ll miss the routine assembly, the weekly meeting of uniform body and society. I won’t miss chaperoning the students for a competition and I don’t think I would miss the sports tournament in which I would normally be on duty as timekeeper or at least the first aid-teacher in charge, every single time.

But I know I’ll miss the trip along the corrirdor prior to my classes, getting excited to run my lessons and waiting in anticipation for students’ responses. Trying out different teaching methods just to get the ‘aahh’ out from them when they finally understood what I was on about. Their creativity and capability are mind-blowing when we poke them at the right spot. Feeling appreciated and most importantly, being responsible in shaping the minds of my students who hunger for life-learned lessons from me.

I would also miss friends, the ones whom I have met along the way, the ones whom I have cherished, who know me inside out. They, who have been there for me through the better and trying times. These have added colours in my adult-life, given me the utmost pleasure and i wouldn’t trade it for anything. I don’t think I’ll ever be the best teacher and friend to them but I do hope somewhere in these 7 years, I have come out as one of their better ones.

Inevitably, moving forward is what one should succumb to. Being in a comfort zone is something one shouldn’t seek for. It drains you, feeling too complacent and you never get to improve yourself. You feel trapped in your own making. That is how I feel and that is what I am risking it all for. I certainly do not wish for a career change when I am actually happy but it gets to a point when I got to wonder if I really wanted to be a secondary school teacher for the rest of my professional life? It strikes me the most when the hope of stepping up is bleak when I’ve finally come to terms that they would rather lose me for good than to another division. Apparently I am too good to be pulled out. Flattered but sadly, that is my call to leave because I crave for more opportunities and possibilities. I want to soar high too, just like my past students.

Now, is it all going to be worth it? I honestly do not know. But at the end of day, I could tell it to myself in years to come that I have walked on my road not taken and that, has made all the difference.

one player game.

2010-04-04T19:34:00.006+08:00

the clock is ticking
it’s 9 to 5
time moves slowly
the breeze breathes
the unspoken solemn
while we wait
for doubts
to plunge their stance in.

the waiting
oh, it grows harder by the seconds
and the doubts grow stronger
a vicious torture,
ripping the optimism apart
while bitterness
and cynicism
remain intact.

soon, the dusk will strike
soon, the lights will fade
and then
there will no point of waiting
when doubts fill the air
blinding every possibility

has luck lost its way?
are we all forgotten?

when will this end?
when will this stop?

when will we be tired
of playing
a one player-game.

For my dad.

2010-03-23T17:34:00.000+08:00

How time flies.

I leafed through the photo album,
I was three,
In a muddy green baju melayu
and an oversize glasses,
I looked silly,
You smiled
and then
there was that flash of light

I leafed through the photo album,
I was seven,
In a white and blue school uniform
and a maroon bag on my back
I looked eager
You smiled
and then
there was that flash of light

I leafed through the photo album
I was thirteen then,
in a white and green school uniform
and a green bag on my shoulder
I looked annoyed
You smiled
and then
there was that flash of light

I leafed through the photo album
I was twenty-four then,
in a green and khakis pants
and a tote bag in my hand
I looked tired
You smiled
and then
There was that flash of light

I leafed through the photo album
I was thirty and
You were seventy
in a matching outfit
I smiled
You always smile
and then
There was that flash of light again
How time flies

the weary kind

2010-03-11T06:09:00.000+08:00

Love has no place
for the weary kind
as it wounds them with its hard blows

Love has no place
for the weary kind
for the wounds are not meant to heal

Love has no place
for the weary kind
as it tells them stories of heartbreaks and aches

Love has no place
for the weary kind
for the stories bring shattered dreams

Love has no place
for the weary kind
as it stops loving them when the right one comes
and for the most part of it
it has no place
for them
for it always takes their hearts away
to a point of no-return

dear old boiler...

2010-03-03T23:49:00.000+08:00

Just finished watching SATC, the movie for the second time, on HBO this time. Surprisingly for a hard fan like me, i’d only watched it twice - the first was on DVD - pirated one of course and at the same time, was making a plan with a friend of mine for a trip to singapore for its sequel later in may.

Anyway the movie got me thinking (yet again). it certainly brought back the life before the present. the series kept my friends and i waiting in anticipation every wednesday night ; channel four, 1030pm, right after the vile graham norton’s show. those were the time when the only thing which i had in mind was to make sure the bloody boiler worked for the night so we could get hot-water tomorrow morning for our education lecture in the morning. see, my boiler was evil, we had to turn it on 24/7 and it felt really in the tropics for us in the summer. it’s silly but the landlord was super-crazy as didn’t want to pay more to upgrade the boiler, more unnecessary expenses incurred for him.

It was exhausting to keep that damn boiler happy. i mean, once we switched it off for a couple of hours, the rebooting part was a nightmare. we had to call the scottish gas engineer to revive it. it normally took a day or two and in the meantime, we didn’t get the heat and hot water.

Strange enough, relationship works just like my old boiler in my old 2 bedroom flat. it keeps you warm and happy when it’s working out well for you but leaves you cold and annoyed when it breaks down in between. and like the boiler itself, it needs services too from time to time just to perk it up a bit so it won’t be rustic and when it gets to a point of beyond repair, you can chuck the old one out and get yourself an upgrade and the vicious cycle continues.

and what happens to all the ex boilers out there? if they are lucky, some get to be recycled. ain’t life sweet?

track field.

2010-01-17T21:39:00.001+08:00

I was having quite a stimulating conversation with a good friend of mine (and you know who you are) on how one views relationship. I came up with my own view and i think it works for me or maybe to some of you out there too.

i am sure everyone is familiar with track field and the track events which take place there and those of you who never enjoy p.e ; it’s in an oval shape, consisting of two semicircles joined by a straight segment! and the games are ranging from running to race walking events. i only watch the game for one obvious reason ; the bulge. pardon me for my utmost perversion there.

i told her (this is as far as i would go to acknowledge a good friend of mine) that every relationship mirrors a series of a track field event. first, it’s the sprints. some of us could relate to this and it happened to me lots of time too. how one could go from first base to the second in a matter of minutes on a first date. how he had you at hello and how you subconsciously believed that it was shooting straight to the finishing line all the way. that could be a 100m for all you know. it happened so fast that you could hardly remember how you got there in the first place but it definitely left you breathless and possibly exhausted when it failed to live upon your expectations. there are also cases of middle distance, the long distance (which i dare not to elaborate), the hurdles (too cliche), the relay (too ironic) and not to forget the race walking which takes a very long time to get to the finishing line but only applicable for the lucky ones, i reckon.

there are also cases of those who are injured along the way ; who couldn’t pass the final hurdle, who sprang their ankles really bad at 400m, who fell down and ended up with horrendous scrapes at the 3rd relay of 4x400 metres. now will these people run again to get to a thin white 5cm wide marked line called finished? i am sure they will but it might take some time for them to recover, to get better and i am certain that every time they run past that certain metres, they are reminded of how ugly things had been for them before. think again if you ever think time ever heals the wound inside.

like all races, relationship is like running in lanes. all athletes must keep within his allocated lane from start to finish and bizarre enough, this applies to non athletes like us too. if we really want to make it work; we have got to stay focus and never skid to the lanes of others. that’s called cheating. to true athletes, the rank has not always been the issue. it’s mission accomplished is the essence.

I am not an expert in matters of the heart nor track field games but i think everything is bounded by rules and restrictions. Though commitment in a relationship is hardly a game for a change, those who say rules are meant to be broken in this case, are the ones who are not prepared to get hurt all over again.

what do i do?

2009-12-17T18:15:00.005+08:00

what do i do
if i couldn’t hold
the thought anymore

what do i do
if i couldn’t hold
the ache anymore

what do i do
if i couldn’t hold
the pain anymore

it strikes
when i am least expecting it
cunning,
excruciating,
tearing me apart.

what do i do
when all seems in vain
and all i could hear
is
my heart
breaking.

a silly ole game

2009-12-15T13:14:00.006+08:00

How we used to think
that love was a silly ole game
and that four-letter word
meant for an eternity.

How we used to think
that love was a silly ole game
and that You and Me
meant forever

How we used to think
that love was a silly ole game
that I do
meant for a lifetime.

How we used to think
that love was indeed a silly game
that i love you
meant heart
aches in return.

as love wilts

2009-12-15T10:46:00.003+08:00

the phone rings
the texts are in
wishing the sweet mornings
and endless of good days

the phone rings
the texts are in
wishing the good nights
and endless of sweet dreams

the phone rings
the texts are in
sharing the good
and endless of silly old jokes.

the phone still rings
but the text are never in
the sweet wreaks sour
the good gets rotten
the humour, they die
as love wilts.

Dancing on a moonless night.

2009-11-30T08:54:00.000+08:00

I danced,
on a moonless night,
on my own,
with no music on.

the night was dark,
blanketed by sudden loneliness,
inching its way,
to the dance floor,
clambering on the poor soul,
depression seeped in

I danced,
on a moonless night,
on my own,
feeling lonely,
feeling ever so alone,
missing the moon,
that was never there.

Torrential

2009-11-30T08:53:00.000+08:00

Yesterday,
You spoke the words of love,
Luring me to the comfort of your arms,
Believing in forever love,
and conquered me.

But last night,
You spoke words of hatred,
Pushing me away,
Shattering our love
and defeated me.

And today,
I speak words of contentment,
Moving forward,
Moving away,
Yet its glimmer
fascinates me.

Hurt

2009-10-20T15:48:00.001+08:00

a friend of mine sent this to me via email. Good poem.

When your heart
Has been broken
And stepped on
It leaves you hesitant
Reluctant to try
To give in once more
To open up To emotion
To dip your toe
Into the mire
Into the ocean
Of desire
To dip your toe
Into the ocean
Of unknown emotion
If you don’t
Enter the water
You wont get wet
There is no danger
Of being dragged under
Should you take a chance?
On love again
Throw caution to the wind
Open yourself up to the pain
Or the pleasure
Feel the love
Washing over you
Immersing yourself
The waves washing over you
It may drown you
If you do
If you resist the temptation
You will be safe
Unharmed in your segregation
Yet a single moment spent
In the refreshing waters
Stood on the ocean floor
Is worth a lifetime
Spent safely on the shore

http://www.love-poetry.net/sad-love-poems/slp-106-hurt.htm

Sam Jones.

2009-10-18T19:55:00.000+08:00

Believe it or not, i finally met the male version of ‘Samantha Jones’ in Pavillion. I was out with a group of newly found friends today for lunch and one of them was waiting for his friend to show up. So we were talking and talking and suddenly came this campy old aged designer guy to our table. I really thought he wanted to sell something to us but it turned out to be Desmond’s friend.

Anyway to sum him up, he is hilarious. He works in PR too and the phone never stopped ringing during the 15 minutes he was around and they weren’t for work. So i boldly asked him of how many did he get to entertain per day (on average) ; and he was like ‘Hun, sometimes i don’t have time to go to work because it’s morning, lunch, dinner and supper’. Thank god he owns his company so let the others work their asses off while he works on other people asses. On average, it’s between 8 to 15 in a week. i guess meeting him for the first is quite overwhelming for me but really if sex is the only thing to talk about, i’ll definitely get tired of it/him.

I am not good at observing people but he seems to enjoy sex tremendously and that’s how he is relatable to sam jones. he could have it 24/7 and he won’t be tired of it at all. But one thing for sure, he doesn’t do relationships and i wonder who had screwed him up really bad before.

he wolf

2009-10-17T21:34:00.002+08:00

that's it. in 5 years time or possibly earlier, i am going have to a hairy back. I did not notice it till i saw some prickling hair from the mirror in the shower. so i asked 'mirror, mirror on the wall, is that hair on my back' and the mirror said 'yeah'. fuck, i am going to be hairy all over. i need to google the mighty wax centre in KL. I saw one at the curve a few months ago. then again, how long will the wax-effect last? a week? a month? because this is genetic and no amount of waxing (which will be very hurtful) could stop that. Maybe i could do laser-removal. expensive but painless and long-lasting, no?

I got this from my dad and i don't blame him for that. Just wish that i have a smooth body so i could show off a bit of the flesh whenever i hit the gym ; so i could stop wearing that 10 ringgit pagoda shirt and start wearing mesh type of clothing lol. eeew.

but will the hair get mad at me, you know for getting rid of them and later it's pay back time. i don't want to end up with more hair on my back. i'll look like a monkey.

i wish i know what to do. I don't think i've seen hair on my back before. really. honestly i thought hair is meant to grow on your chest not on your freaking back.

truth hurts

2009-10-16T20:55:00.003+08:00

Was driving back from a friend’s place this morning and tuned in to FlyFM station. They aired a re-run of some ‘flirty’ programme. Some calls were hilarious. I mean really, things they were willing to do just to woo someone.

Anyway there’s this caller; Jason. he just dumped his girl (on Thursday this week) and He wanted to get help from the two DJs not to woo her back (a little bit sad, i think) but to let him get cosy with another girl. I can’t recall her name. So the DJs did a bit of dirt-digging and it was told the reason for the break up was due to pains that he had endured for a year with the ex. Apparently (typical, i think) that his ex was possessive, clingy and the funny thing is he had made a number of effort to break up with her within that a year period but it seemed to be that she didn’t want to let him go. He even went to the extreme end, by asking someone to pretend to be his love-affair so that girl could leave him on the ground of betrayal and all but no, she accepted his flaws and sailed with him still to the open sea. so anyway, it’s over and done with when he finally had the balls to say ‘we’re through’. So he wanted another girl. The girl said no at first as it was too little too late but having considered the ex was a bitch, she had a second thought and said yes just to spite her friend back. classic!

Case in question:
Why would you want to be with someone when the ulterior motive is apparent?
Why would you still be in relationship when your heart says no?
Why would you hold on to its dear life even when you are so sure it’s doomed?
What is worth fighting for?

It would be a lot more interesting if it’s a love triangle but unfortunately, it’s a typical teen’s raging hormones, waiting for the next eruption time.

I don’t pity any of the fools though but i think that new girl is really stupid. I don’t understand why she wanted to be part of the drama when she had the chance to roam free and eat other grass. She knows what would happen and that satisfaction is not permanent and what could potentially be harmless, can turn out to be dead ugly and rank. What she should do instead is to walk away. Flattered that the unfortunate soul thinks highly of her but i believe it takes two to spoil a relationship. We only heard from him, only one side to the story, god knows what lies on the other side should the ex call the station too.

When can a break up be a good break up? Why is there a need to be bitter, unhappy or even to go through depression when break up hits you? Is it because you have to figure it out all over again?

Coming to terms that you are single can be an uneventful thing. Some say they can be on their own because single means complete freedom. You don’t have to answer to anyone and you can now stop thinking for two ; avoiding unnecessary heartaches and headaches. But If it’s really a good thing, how do we explain the nature of yearning or longing for companionship? why do we reminisce of the good old days? why do we wish for a good end to what it seems a good relationship?

It’s because nothing is simple when it’s our life that we have to deal with. Advices are meant for others, not for us. We can always tell people what to do and what to expect but when it comes to ours, we get really stupid. we don’t do exactly what we preach before and that is not because we are a bunch of hypocrites. It is simply because we find it a bit hard to nod and accept that our truth can be pretty bad too.

Recycling

2009-10-16T18:57:00.001+08:00

Just woke up from 5 hours sleep. It has not been a productive day at all. Wanted to go out (again) but it’s a good thing that the weather didn’t permit it. I could hear the thunder roars, perhaps it will rain soon. A good excuse to climb up to bed again.

I got this new double bed. It’s so cosy and you feel like you don’t ever want to stay away from it. I got this new duvet too ; with the air-conditioning on and shitty weather, i just couldn’t help but to feel bless. Awful but it’s the truth. Then again, it would be nicer not to wake up alone too.

A friend of mine just broke up (yes, i do have a lot of friends who happened to be in shit relationships) 2 weeks ago and i admire his guts. This is not the spooning friend, this is a forking friend instead lol. Anyway he dropped the bomb because the guy was suffocating him. He was a bit weird for a start and i think he deserved it as he cut him off from his friends for a year or so. it’s good that my friend is no longer with him. when asked why did he ever let him to treat him that way? he couldn’t give me a straight answer. it was like ‘i don’t know’.

and i guess that could be our only answer when you do things for love. There are things which are not easily justified. It’s not like you were forced to commit. You did it because you wanted to do it. I don’t think one could ever be mislead when it comes to matters of the heart. Because one knows exactly what one wants and one goes for it. So blaming the other half when things go wrong, is a bit unfair when every relationship is an investment of two.

What happens next? well the future is bright, the future is orange for him! There’s always a guy awaits. Lucky bastard.

So my conclusion; one who does the dumping will always, without doubt, move on first. This is due to the trash factor. We all know what trash is. His trash might still want to cling onto him, wishing if he could ever turn back the time and all but from his point of view trash is unwanted, not needed, thrashed; and if he decides to recycle it later on, it will only be with the one who is worth recycled.

This Sentiment

2009-10-03T17:57:00.004+08:00

It's been quite a hectic week for me; meeting after meeting - planning for next year's plan etc etc etc. Got home exhausted ; no time for telly nor facebook really and to be honest i kinda enjoy it because time flies fast when you get too busy and you get to accomplish more than boring and dull days - thanks to those datelines that you have to meet.

However, comes weekend, i get bored ; wishing that it's working day all over again. I used to enjoy weekend before but when it gets pretty lonely that all you ever do is catching up with series on telly, coz you don't really want to cramp your friends' style by going out with them so often. You need to give them some room to breathe too.

I deactivated my profile for the 3rd time :) and hopefully it's for good. I'm tired of it. It gets too typical and it makes you wonder if there is anything more to it. The same chat-up lines, friendships with the ulterior motives remain intact and a lot more. so hope i would not be succumb to it for the 4th time as a result of me being bored in future weekends.

It's not that I do not enjoy that sort of attention. I must admit that I have enjoyed, I did enjoy it but when you get too often, you get sick when you know all that they want is a little bit of pleasure. Maybe I am getting old. Pleasure is good when you are working hard to get it ; not as soon as you had the person at Hello.

To curb the boredom from going to the extreme end - i took the drastic measure; a window shopping. shopping over one night stand, like it's hard? The truth is , both are pretty pathetic but I refuse to forever stay online and put my two cent's worth on Facebook.

But here i am again; 4 hours aftermath (good that i only ended up getting a bottle of mineral water ) after countless of shirts tried and books browsed. I like this one particular book called Loneliness and i forgot who wrote it now. Too long. Foreign name - sounds Italian. A good italian i reckon. The book is entirely written on Loneliness. I think i found it on Psychology aisle ; not that self-help aisle and one of the opening chapters said something like there are a lot of people who are alone and lonely but, there are also those who are never alone yet lonely. It made me think which category that i am in at the moment. The second one sounds really sad.

Listening to One Republic Feat Sarah Bareilles ; Come Home, is not helping at all when you came home to an empty house today.

Spooning

2009-09-22T16:37:00.003+08:00

A friend of mine came over a few hours ago and he was in a wreck ; having found that the love of his life was screwing someone else. I almost laughed (which wasn't nice and not even remotely funny, i know but something i couldn't help). The other half found them coiling and spooning on the bed aftermath. He didn't know what to make of it at first as he was in an utter shock, disbelief etc and after a few minutes, the image of those two finally sank in. He didn't storm out of the apartment nor curse them both, left-right and centre. He apologised for intruding (tho the heart was shattered into million pieces) and quietly walked out from the room and left the unit ; leaving the other two stunned and speechless. I said that was very classy of him. If i were in his shoes, i would be too upset to even think. Got so much to learn from him!

So i asked him, what next? he doesn't know what to do next which is fine really. i don't think one has to really sit down, think and plot of what to do next. He obviously needs time and a brain scrubber to get rid of the image first. I am dying to ask if he will forgive and accept him back and live happily ever after in a beautiful castle up in a valley of a thousand hills. I don't have the right to judge him should he want to accept him back because it's his life. Yes, people get hurt all the time and one can only put up to a certain extent and if he thinks giving a second chance is the best thing to do for now, that i'll definitely support it. Then again, that takes a lot of guts and takes a lot of courage and pride. Not everyone's cup of tea. it's bitter.

Love with benefits

2009-09-22T02:52:00.003+08:00

Its 3am and i just got back from a night out with friends. It was good fun. Met up with some interesting people who somehow managed to help me to think about the whole idea of being single and the freedom that comes with it.

I don't know why but we talked from nipple pierced to relationship. A wide range of issues were discussed and as always sex was the most talked about. I was introduced to this guy who happened to have 3 boyfriends. One to get his mobile topped up, one to drive him around and the last one is for him to share his problems with. Wow, one could barely keep up with one yet he has 2 extras with him. So i got to ask him why and he simply said because he couldn't make up his mind and the funny thing is, each is aware of the others' existence. I am not sure what to call it but you cannot have relationship with 3 different people simultaneously and telling everyone that it's love. How can you share the love? Divided it into 3 and equally distributed it? Maybe I am being too cynical but really, that is not love or perhaps that's the new breed that i am not sure what to make of it. Or perhaps all three were so much in love with him that they were willing enough to share. Crazy. I say, he is just using them three to get what he wants.

Do i

2009-09-19T17:30:00.003+08:00

One of my good friends is getting married in October and I am so excited for him. We've shared problems of past year relationships and to know that he's getting married to the guy whom he really loves dearly, the commitment, the effort and everything is really a wonderful thing. Can't make it to the wedding obviously and hopefully i get to meet him (or them) in December.

Life is not a fairy tale and happy ending is not always there for everyone either and i am certain that he has to go through the same processes to get to where he is at right now. It's a long way, tiresome but it's good that it's all worth it at the end. I am sure problems don't just away after you are married, in fact there will be more challenges ahead but really if one wants to make it work, one will try his damn best to make it work.

Enough said.

Wish them all the best for the future to come and i don't really know what to get for them :)

if i dont have you

2009-08-21T04:35:00.000+08:00

I had 26 hits today on my profile and 18 were sexual.

If i were to say Yes, don’t think i’d be typing now.

Do people ever meet for casual chat and drinks now? Or let’s all skip that boring bits and jump straight to bed? Everywhere is a pick-up point, the departmental store, the library, the post office and it is not a surprise when the toilet is high in demand now. People have needs and I respect that but why do some people go to that extreme? just for some quick pleasure. Pleasure that wears off before you know it.

Perhaps it’s the taboo part in the culture that gets people to act this way believing in the notion that the opportunity only knocks on your door once and you are a fool to miss out on the fun times. But of course, the knocking will be more frequent as time goes by.

Where have the good men gone to? Married? Taken?? People who enjoy getting to know each other without having to feel the need to bed the lunch partner, just to prove a point; getting off. One who can talk about anything else under the sun other than S E X. One who is smart and not keeps cracking stupid jokes and in return you feel rather bad if you do not laugh out loud One who does not really need to talk to impress, and believes in less is more. One who is not intimidated by you. One who feels equal.

Probably i am asking a lot here.

Knock you down

2009-08-20T12:03:00.000+08:00

It’s 4 in the morning and I am still wide awake.

Leaving for work at 7 today and i have at least a good 3 hours to go.

I finished the last series of Harry Potter and I am glad that things ended quite well for the three of them. Everyone got married, 19 years later with kids too. Horny little Hogwartians. But I still can’t grasp the fact that Harry is married to Ginny though. Why Ginny? Why her? That girl of all the girls in the book. He might as well get married to Ron’s sweetheart and there will definitely more drama to it. Imagine, Harry and Ron in wand’s fight and of course we know who would win - the boy who survived, the boy who cheated death and now the boy who killed the fire-crotch. That would be a good story.

Anyway, this harry potter stuff got me to think that life is indeed stranger than fiction. At least, with books, you can choose to skip the bad parts, things that bring no interest to you and get on with the next chapter or if you really hate it then you can always chuck it away completely - no regrets.

Wish I can do exactly the same thing with life, but too bad life is life. It is simple but it is so twisted inside that you can’t help but to ignore its simplicity. But without doubt, life is a good book. You have go through each chapter in order to get to the end of it. Some are filled with joy and happiness. How things fall into place and each page is a smooth reading to a point that it gets too mundane when everything is so near to perfection, and there’s no room for screw-ups. But soon, you come across the heartfelt chapters, how things are not fallen into place anymore and each page is a page turner, layers of problems are unfolded; with or without solutions. You are confronted by your worries, the struggles but at the end you still manage to get to the end of the chapters. Feeling relief? Probably but the process might take sometime and everyone has to bear with it.

‘Mama always said life was like a box chocolate. You never know what you’re gonna get’ I say life is like a series of good books, you get hooked with it till the end.

second guessing

2009-08-19T13:07:00.002+08:00

sec·ond-guess (sknd-gs)

v. sec·ond-guessed, sec·ond-guess·ing, sec·ond-guess·es
v.tr.
1. To criticize or correct after an outcome is known.
2.
a. To outguess.
b. To predict or anticipate

How often do we second guess? in my case, it has been very frequent lately. Things resurfaced and couldn't be ignored, though i've tried my might to brush it off, repeatedly but it just bloody won't go away.

Is it healthy though? A friend of mine reminded me not to second guess. The best thing to do is to just ask but to do the asking is scary when 'what if' keeps bugging you. I am not willing to take the risk because what if can be disastrous.

So ignoring is the best back up plan yet so far and hope that it will fade away as time goes by. But honestly, do i really want to know the truth? Yes, everyone wants the truth but truth can be ugly and that what normally stops people from knowing it and that includes me. I don't feel that it's necessary because what i have now is good enough and i am willing to just settle for it.

that friend of mine will definitely kill me for saying that.

To love someone is to love someone less?

2009-08-19T07:35:00.003+08:00

I was once told that the key to a good relationship is to love someone less. I am not entirely sure if it has been proven otherwise but as silly as it may sound, it does make sense. If you love someone less, there will be no room for you to commit and succumb to the don’ts in a relationship. Needy, Clingy, Insecure, Obsessed and other clinical diseases out there.

But then again, what’s the point of being with one when you love him less? Is it still reciprocal? Say that we are an item, you love me more than i love you. does it make sense? Yes, it does make sense but is it fair though? A lot would disagree but in reality i think, that’s the key to a good relationship. It is not that you loathe that person to begin with. Love is still there. It is just not as much as the other one, get it?

On the other hand, the other party might question your sincerity, honesty just because he thinks you love him less and that could be very hurtful; when he feels that he’s working round the clock to get the relationship going while you came out as the ultimate jerk by not giving a toss about it. But little did he know that you are working excruciatingly hard too, honestly ; inside, trying not to love him more so the relationship would stay stronger.

Bullshit? Maybe.

Perhaps he loves you so much that he doesn’t want to be hurt in return when things are fucked. So he tries his all best not to stumble on the love-traps but still love you dearly. At the end of the day, when things don’t go well, he still has something to hold on to.

Good thinking.

30

2009-08-06T08:12:00.001+08:00

i'm 30 today.

the City

2009-08-02T19:39:00.001+08:00

It’s sunday and i would normally up and about in town, seeking bits of entertainment here and there but not today. I decided to spend my quality at home with the telly and the long forgotten cable t.v; flipping through the channels subscribed, i came across a scene in which a girl was crying while everyone was tremendously happy because it’s new year. i think that was last year. That caught my eye so i decided to watch it. Later did i know, i was glued to the mini series for over 2 hours - anticipating the sheer amount of relationship drama put forth as each episode unfolded. I caught the omnibus so there goes my sunday hang-out with friends.

Strange enough, i was drawn to it. Perhaps, it captures patches of relationship which some of my friends are going through.

Question: What is honesty? and How do we justify it?

Do we still call it an act of honesty when we had withheld a vital information and only towards the end and almost too little too late, we blurted it out? Is that really honesty?

When you speak your mind at the exact time when it’s happening, you are being blunt about it and you face the music right there and then, that is honesty, i think. If someone had told you about something which was so long overdue,i believe that is a selfish act. If the idea is trying to avoid the other party not to get hurt, that is just plain silly because the hurting part is a lot worse now, having known the news was there right along but for some reason, it didn’t get to you.

Now, who is to be blamed?

The concerns, worries are just a set of lame excuses to begin with and I think the news bearer should just get over the fact that it will hurt the other party because everyone knows bad news are hurtful whether one has come prepared or not. So why don’t they just grab it by the balls and just shoot the news right smack on the face. I guarantee, you will hit the bull’s eye and that’s a fact.

Where's the hercules?

2009-07-29T21:29:00.008+08:00

I watched the cartoon Hercules today; the disney movie and it reminded me of my first single in Edinburgh, go the distance. yeah it was my first single that i bought right after i got myself the sony cd player at dixon with naz for a mere 129 pounds plus the insurance. i had no idea why i took the insurance but you know you just wanted to come prepare for the worst to come. i never got to claim anything and in fact that blue cd player still works perfectly today and it's been with me since november the 15th 1997 and it's 2009 now.

Meg said something that really caught my attention and though she is not real, but it's the truth. It's how people choose to be alone because they are afraid of getting hurt (again). I have seen friends/family who are alone for now, by choice, i reckon and I am sure they are happy but i can't help and wonder if we can ever be happy, happy. We have problems along the way, that's inevitable and with the shits and fuck ups around, will we be able to ring our bells of contentment, despite being alone?

Perhaps to some, patches of bitterness are quite visible and we are only happy to a certain extent because deep inside we never feel so alone. so does it mean that being alone, on our own, is a bad thing? where is our hercules and his pegasus to come and rescue us from the evil hades and his sidekicks ; pain and panic? and come to think of it, why do we always feel the need to be saved? can't we not save ourselves when we are on our own? I am sure we all could.

Hercules sacrificed a lot, in the name of love, for someone who deceived him. He gave away his god's strength and his life to save meg from the realm of the souls but nothing could surpass the fact that he gave up his immortality to be with meg back on earth when he could embrace his godhood. Huge sacrifices on someone who almost got him killed for so many times but then again love knows boundaries and personally, i think it took a lot of guts to do that and i've known someone who did exactly that; not giving up his manhood of course, but putting his life on hold, just to be with someone that he truly loved, though there was no happy ending to it, it's more than enough to know that he was truly loved.

so what are we afraid of actually? we have had our fair share of love and be loved in return and why can't we go through it again. there are always going to be some hiccups and awful tragedies along the way but we already survived one with a lot of bruises i might add and i say we will survive again.

poem

2009-07-27T17:45:00.001+08:00

I fell hard
That I hit the floor
Bruised

l fell hard
That I hit the floor
Broken

I fell hard
That I hit the floor
Damaged

I fell hard
That I hit the floor
Shattered

is life really like a bed of roses?

2009-07-03T20:17:00.000+08:00

I have a good friend, a very good friend and the life that he had before was horrible and things have changed for the better and I am so happy for him as he is finally at peace with everything around him. His life was pretty fucked up and i used to be the one who was against it but many things had happened and i came to a point that this is his life and if what makes him happy doesn’t kill him, i say, go ahead. He knows what he wants and he is not afraid of going for it despite the constant complaints from people around him. I think he’s finally found someone who he could call his own and boy, this guy came a (super) long way ; through the thick and thin of denials and pretenses!

He met someone and I can’t stop smiling now, thinking that i hadn’t seen this side of him before though we’ve been friends for almost 7 years now. He’s in love and i believe he’s found his true love, if there’s a thing called true love tho. But really, he talked about the love of his life like there’s no tomorrow and i like that. Ok, that just sounded a bit bizarre but yeah, i don’t mind listening to the news at all for i think it’s sweet. I am always a sucker for romance.

On a different note, this could be his first love for all i know, yeah; early 30’s. A bit sad i know but hey, it’s better late than never, i suppose. Not that never is a really bad thing. No, it’s not but at least one had the experience to love and be loved.

He’s now at shower-him-with-gift-phase. I took him to Sony-style centre couple of days ago where he got him a nice walkman. Not that hideous black box circa 1990s. This one looks gorgeous, very deep space nine. Hope it will take him to the the new frontier, lol. He didn’t say that it was meant for the other half but i could always tell. See, i know him pretty well now though we’re miles apart and i think that’s how you measure good friendship, no? So i teased him if he was buying it for someone. He smiled.

i know, this is boring but ain’t life the sweetest thing when you are in love?

another word for gay

2009-07-03T20:16:00.000+08:00

I always remind myself not to go to bed angry but for quite sometime now, i’d gone to bed ; either slightly pissed-off or annoyed with things around. I would normally confront it with my head high but when it is something which is beyond me, I couldn’t help but to toss and turn in bed, staring blankly at the ceiling with the fan on the full blast.

Why are we so unhappy, discontented with life that we always want more and more? If it is part of being human, that being human sucks big time. I am tired of looking at the greener pastures and hopelessly hope that it’s me at the other end. When one thing solved, why would another already queued up just to screw up your life all over again? Are we meant to be toyed endlessly?

An optimist would say that is your life coaches you to be wiser and matured. A growing up process which certainly involves a series of pains in between. When we get hurt, that’s when we learnt best, and the most - apparently. But what happens if we get hurt and we get numb by it after awhile. Are we still on track to grow up and soar high in life? and what’s this deal with wound? how it heals by itself and we would be stronger and thicker skins as we move on with life. I don’t really get that.

I say, if one still calls it a wound - in the end, it might leave a scar, like the rest of the wounds out there on every skin which they managed to penetrate. The scar, alone, is another interesting thing. It reminds you the pain you had had before and for some reason, it will never let you to forget it. It stares at you and drags you on the yellow road where on each brick, brings up the snapshots of your life till the day you were wounded and overwhelmed you.

So in the end, can we say that we are happy, happy?

figuring things out.

2009-06-17T00:05:00.005+08:00

Going to a pak pandir's (local folklore) musical tomorrow and i'm very excited. The last time i watched musical was during the Edinburgh years. It will be different but at least it's musical, i get to enjoy and entertain myself with a bunch of crazy friends.

On a different note, life is getting trickier but exciting. met up with few 'good' men out there and it's all good but you know when there's pleasure, there's always be pain (like muller yogurt advert circa 2001s). there were a type of people who often rushed into things and when you didn't respond like the way they anticipated and hoped for, you were quickly being judged as someone who wasn't nice. It's tiring when all you needed at the moment was a no-strings attached - genuine friendships. relationship can be built but it doesn't have to be on a super highway.

I bet, everyone seeks attention at some point of their lives and the idea of being chased is indeed a thrilling experience. But when you were chased all the time, you kinda got the boredom syndrome where you were put in a been-there-done-that situation. nothing is new, interesting that you can experience for the sake of good times or even treasured memories. People might think that one is not being grateful for what one is getting but really sometimes, the chaser wants to be reminded what its like to do the chasing too. Chasing can be a real act of desperation. It could also be a sweetest thing provided that the person is not overdoing it. But really, countless texts , calls asking for the same bloody things everyday is a little bit old for a 29ish group of singletons. We're all moving to a bigger box soon and we need to come up with new tactics to dupe people into our so called love-trap. Or perhaps, one is simply not into it anymore.

ps. im listening to miley's single 'the climb' while writing this up. i'm so not a fan of split personality but this is not a bad song. go miley's single ;)

wedding

2009-06-06T20:39:00.005+08:00

noi is getting married; leaving me, shila, intan, shana and naz behind. not that it's a bad thing but its interesting how far life has taken us. Everyone will be there so it would a reunion for us, the tesol 2 edinburgh uni students. hope no one will bring in the past back to the present tomorrow.

ill be reciting a poem. did it today. it was really hard to write a poem for a friend who is about to get married. being almost a cynic, doesn't give me a lot of rooms to be lovey-dovey about what marriage is all about. i've tried my best and we'll see how things go.

forever yours

imagine
how life will change
when one meets another
leaving a single world behind

imagine
how life will change
when one falls in love
leaving a doubtful world behind

imagine
how life will change
when one is to wed
leaving a lonesome world behind

Imagine
the whirlwind of
concerns,
worries,
insecurities.
heartaches,
and how they remain still,

yet,
overwhelmed by the very thought
of forever companionship

and noted
that how two lives are changing today
into a beautiful future for two
and that very life, my dear friend
is yours, will be yours and forever yours.

where is fun

2009-04-12T12:39:00.003+08:00

I had an early night last night. Went to bed about 9pm, that seems like my normal bedtime now. I don't really do much now except from going out with friends occasionally. New or old doesn't really matter, they are pretty much busy with life too.

i really thought that by moving to a new place, would open up so many doors for me to do things that i like or at least for the sake of trying outs. but no, life is very laid back too over here and come to think of it, it's more relaxed than the one i had before.
Work starts at 8 and ends up at 430 and that's it. i don't do anything much except missions in the ds that i still have to complete. weekends r dry and boring, if i didn't go out with my sister and her family, i would be watching dvds till late at night.

where did the fun go?

well i could go and have fun really but i couldn't be bothered now, maybe it's the age factor or perhaps it's the been-there-done-that situation. ive known KL inside out and places i've ventured to and they all look the same to me now. maybe i should start befriending strangers and see where it takes me!

my problem is i get bored easily but i still moan and bitch. what's the solution?
i think my life is so dysfunctional now, not literally tho. i just do not know what i want. i want all, something, some but i don't know what is it. i feel like i was more settled before than now. and no, don't bring the relationship into this. it's not that (i am not in denial :) i know what im talking bout here. it's about something that i cant put my finger on.

i stop shopping, cold turkey, my last purchase was a month ago, and i haven't done any extravagant shopping at all now. i have been good but im still not happy. I think i need to seek help and talk to someone who can really be a help. am i depressed?

headache

2009-04-11T22:34:00.002+08:00

I watched two movies back to back today and i got a really annoying throbbing pain up in the head now. it was good movies tho. i enjoyed them, at least i didn't go out and spend my money out of boredom this time. well i did, only 25 ringgit for 3 dvds.

anyway, i like the last bit of the 2nd movie. it's true that sometimes in life, there are bonds that cannot be broken. we will find someone or people who would be there for us no matter what. someone who cares about us as much as we care about them.

Let the game begins

2009-03-28T18:46:00.002+08:00

The dating game is really a long tiring game. I babysit sometimes and I know how tired it can be when one had to run around the house pretending to be one of the monsters in Ben-10 the cartoon and trying to catch your two over-excited nephews. But the good thing about those childlike games is, you can foresee what’s going to happen and there are no mixed messages or constant anticipation over things that could lead you to exhaustion when you are back at square one and have to do it all over again. Unlike Ben-10 catch me monster game, this adult-game is way too complicated, even the monsters will stop playing it eventually.

I have been in the game for quite awhile now and when the disappointment lurks in the corner, you feel rather bad about the whole thing and you start to question yourself if you are ever good enough for the rest of the world. There are people who date out of pleasure, just for the fun of it and I don’t know how they do it, they must be heartless because to think that I might have to go through just another one more date for the next person to come along, really puts me off and a bit scary actually because you just don’t want to get hurt again. What you had before is already enough to scar you for life. We all move on, we do but the experience will always stay and remain with us.

I once went on three different dates. It wasn’t nice of me but you know when an opportunity knocked, you just had to grab it as Miss Cooper once said, bloody men are like bloody buses, you never know when one is coming! It wasn’t nice really but truly it was an experience. One had converted me into believing that there was no such things as mixed signals, the other led me to the wonders of calls-screening and the last one taught me when things weren’t meant to be, things weren’t really meant to be and I must stop anticipating and having my fingers crossed day and night.

Perhaps we are too fussy and think everyone is not worth befriending us. Perhaps they are too shallow and think we are damaged good as we all have a big bulky baggage with us that we lug with us everywhere or perhaps we are both like windows and Mac, there are things that are compatible and things that just don’t work.

Ben Tennyson has this omnitrix; it’s a watch that could transform him into several DNA mutated heroic-aliens and at the end he could save the day. I do need an omnitrix in my life but I don’t want to transform into any deformed heroic figure, I just want to hold it close so I know I am in safe hands.

Shopaholic

2009-03-28T17:58:00.000+08:00

Despite what have been said in the reviews, I really enjoyed the new movie tie in book ‘Confession of a shopaholic’ and that’s because I can relate to the main character played by Miss Fisher. As sad as that may sound, it’s the truth, the awful truth. She shopped and drowned in debts because she led rather an unhappy life. It is not much about the goods that she bought but the idea of shopping makes her happy and scary enough that is me. Not that I don’t like my life but things can be better and indeed the goods will not make me happy for long. I know that but somehow I buy them still because the act of purchasing and owning something ooze a sense of power and gratification and that gives me an instant pleasure. The feeling is only temporary and in fact it will be long gone by the time I get home. Worst, I am doing it again and again and again. We are all trapped and we do not know how to get out of it.

Becky is tamed when she found herself a guy, a nice guy with an accent who accepts her as she is and loves her the way she wants to be loved. Maybe that has helped her a lot, a strong extrinsic motivation or even a good distraction that keeps her away from becoming who she was before, like smokers and their nicotine. Yes, having someone around doesn’t stop you from doing what you’ve been doing for years when it has become your second nature but it does help a bit when you are thinking for two, instead of one.

This all brings down to how we feel about ourselves. You feel incomplete when you see others with their other halves. You get annoyed with them but deep down, you are mad at yourself really because you envy them discreetly and wish that could happen to you too. Since there is no such thing called off the rack partners, you turn to the other shops to avenge your frustration and confront the life in you with your latest designer conquest every time you get upset of anything for that matter. That is not the way to go.

So how does one stop then? Do we all need someone now to help me out to get over this? No. It is an addiction and it requires a strong will power to tone it down, bit by bit and hope we could control it gradually. Start thinking about what we are to become in the future rather that the present and I believe that is a good start. After all, there is always that Shopaholic Anonymous.

Politically correct

2008-11-20T17:07:00.002+08:00

Have you ever been in a position whereby when someone says he misses you and your replied conveyed that the feeling was mutual, but it's not actually true? And you said what you've said because you didn't want to hurt his feeling. I had to do that a number of times because I really didn't know what to say. when someone uses the word 'miss' on me and it's dead obvious that he really likes me and all but I, at the end don't really like him; i still say i miss him too because I don't think i am in the position of saying the opposite like 'no, i don't really miss you though' or 'miss you too, but not the way you've missed me'. Those sound really funny and cruel but at the same time, I don't want him to take it differently and ruin what we already have, say friendship? So how to deal with it?

Is there a best way to get out of this situation?

sweet apple

2008-11-19T17:52:00.002+08:00

Got my new macbook today.
Beautiful.

News just in

2008-11-19T01:35:00.001+08:00

I am moving to a new place ; somewhere near the highlands!

A toast to good friends

2008-11-17T18:40:00.000+08:00

There are times where I’ve said things that I really mean,
There are times where I’ve gone way too far with my actions,
There are times where I’ve prayed things to turn out differently,
And there are times where I’ve taken things for granted.

But
Upon of all the things that I have said and done,
I never wish that we could ever be strangers,
I never wish that we could ever lost contact,
I never wish that we could ever drift apart,
Out of sight could never be out of mind.

For
I have found good friends along the years,
I found good friends in you,
In each and every one of you,
I found treasured moments,
That would last me for a lifetime.

Hilmi

Shelter

2008-11-13T00:19:00.003+08:00

for the last 3 months, there were so many interesting things i have encountered. Some were a bit funnier than the usual while there were a few things which were truly upsetting. I learned to grow from all those things that surrounded me.

Christmas is coming up and for the first time after so many years, I have got nothing planned but that's ok. It is not something that I am used to but it's certainly something that i have to get used to. i was gonna plan out what to do during holidays but when i came around to it, nah - let me take each day as it is and if i decided to go somewhere, i could always pack the bag up, call a few friends and set our path off somewhere crazy and fun!

Strange that now i'm almost 30 that I've finally come to realise what life is all about that i got no control of what happens anyway, eventually. Let's not get all upset over things that aren't up to our expectations. Take it as it is and deal with it.

I've got to know two people for the last couple of months and both are nice in so many ways and they aren't alike. One is rather cool, calm and collected (the 3c's) while the other is a bit crazy, wild and fun. Now, which one do you go for? i can't choose between the two. They are both interesting and these interesting people don't come around every day. Shall i keep them both? No, at the end, the choice has to be made but it's indeed a tricky and hard one to make. and just for the record, i haven't crossed any lines yet. Friends said it's wrong to toy with people's feelings but I am not doing it at all. I don't go and play with anyone's emotions. I say the truth ; keeping in mind that honesty is the best policy and the fact that i am too old to play a player's card anyway.

Pray hard for the sunny weather but that won't stop the rain,
Me.

sometimes & always

2008-11-03T15:29:00.000+08:00

Sometimes & Always

Sometimes, I don’t always do the things you wanted me to do,

Sometimes, I don’t always say the things you wanted me to say,

And Sometimes, I don’t always think the things you wanted me to think.

Sometimes, I don’t listen to you,

Sometimes, I talk back at you,

Sometimes, I get really mad at you,

Sometimes, I never say sorry to you

And sometimes, I just don’t understand you.

But, deep down,

In every sometimes,

Of its each minute,

Of its each hour,

Of its each day,

There is always be a time

When I love you,

And Always.

to make you feel my love

2008-11-01T23:08:00.002+08:00

When the rain
Is blowing in your face
And the whole world
Is on your case
I could offer you
A warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows
And the stars appear
And there is no one there
To dry your tears
I could hold you
For a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you
Haven't made
Your mind up yet
But I would never
Do you wrong
I've known it
From the moment
That we met
No doubt in my mind
Where you belong

I'd go hungry
I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling
Down the avenue
No, there's nothing
That I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change
Are throwing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing
Like me yet

I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends
Of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love

dreams

2008-10-14T19:51:00.002+08:00

everyone has them
some good, some bad
some you wish you could forget
sometimes you realise you've out grown them
and there are times. you feel like they are finally coming through
while some of us just have nightmares.

but no matter what u dream
when the morning comes
reality intrudes
and the dreams begin to slip away....

frozen heart for sale

2008-10-01T19:25:00.000+08:00

FROZEN HEART FOR SALE

That anonymous heart
Placed at the display window
Is up for sale again
People passing by
Glancing at the price
Wondering if anyone would pay that worth
Others would just marvel
And wonder why

It came to me
On one cold night
Wrapped in worn cloth of lies
Left at the stairs of my life
While the wind whisper its sadness

The heart is frozen to the core
So very fragile that it shattered into pieces
And once again, these cold caretaker hands of mine
Have been trying to pick up the pieces
And put it back together
But broken parts of the frozen heart
Don’t fit together anymore
Different than it previously was
Made much harder
So that it will not be broken again

Hence I placed it back by the window
With hope that someone would mend it
Making it whole again
Without missing any minuscule pieces
Impossible as it may seem
I let the frozen heart kept in display
Hoping that the sun would shine and melt the ice
And bring back its grace

Every time the heart is returned by past owners
The more missing pieces are added
It stays there, staring ever faithfully at the window
Until one day, I suppose
There is nothing left to be displayed
At the window for sale

I wonder what it feels
To have a heart that is frozen
Hollow and filled with sorrow
Like the anonymous heart
At the display window

In a glass box
Until one day
The shine has gone
And the damage is beyond repair
I will keep the heart away
Down in the cellar
Where no one shall ever see it
Ever again

Many thoughts

2008-09-13T05:15:00.002+08:00

It's ramadhan now and i haven't been writing for a quite awhile again. I kept on logging on and off my blog-space but I couldn't find anything interesting thing to write. However, i have had my fair-share writing letters to editors of Malaysian newspapers about things related to English & education. It's a different set of writing, no emotional baggage allowed :)

I've been busy with work and some part-time tutoring; the staff as well as the navy officers. Things are looking up. It was a bit intimidating going in to a class of navy officers ; men in white, who kept staring at you, wondering if the person in front of them was capable of teaching them at all. The first class went well. They were passive at the beginning but towards the end, they warmed up and started asking questions; some were totally irrelevant to what was discussed but at least they used English.

Most of my friends were saying, i would be eaten alive by the navy. i think i know what they meant. It is still a daunting task teaching english to adults who could barely form sentences, let alone communicate in the language. I never had any experiences teaching young learners but now i believe i have had them a bit. They were rowdy in class, not noisy and most of them are married with 3-4 kids. They are officers who have been working for so many years and their inability to speak in English, gets in their way for promotion; hence the course existed.

However, i feel i learn a lot about teaching now. There are so many ways for a teacher to meet the needs of his students and teaching them has allowed me to explore the way of teaching those who never have any basis of the English language at all. I'll be teaching them Simple Past & Progessive. It would be fun.

Move on to a different topic now, one of my friends now is finally in a relationship. I am so happy for her, not that because she is in a rship but because she will experience what it is like to be in love; the hardships that she will endure as well as all the fun parts in between. I read once somewhere that when you are in love, you feel like being a kid again an i can't wait to be that kid again. I don't know who the person would be, when, how and all that, but i want to feel that again because i don't want to forget how good it made me feel before :)

the guilt

2008-07-15T17:54:00.002+08:00

Packing my bag today for my trip to KL and London the next day. Honestly I don't feel excited at all, probably because I am on official capacity, an accompanied teacher, lugging the students in the streets of London, looking at sites and visiting places. I haven't bought my flight ticket to KL yet; hope there's a seat tomorrow - there should it be.

Anyway, it's official that I've made someone upset today perhaps it's yesterday. I purposely put up such a bitchy attitude so that he would just get off my back. Not that i don't appreciate him as a friend but i know, deep down, he never regarded me as a friend. I never have feeling for him and to more he acts upon his feelings, i get suffocated and fed-up with the acting up; claiming that there were just friendly gestures. I felt trapped, awkward and almost to a point of disgusting. I had to put a stop to it and I did. It wasn't really nice but if that had to go on - there would be nothing good coming out of it. i would be always in guilt and he would be always in hope.

i had made it pretty clear but everytime he refused to look into the matter and kept on pursuing and pursuing up to no point. it's rather sad and hopeless and obviously friendship is not even the picture. Perhaps it's me to be blamed, i accepted it and it's better this and a hell lot complications afterwards.

is it?

2008-07-06T18:42:00.002+08:00

I am now officially busy with my UK trip (organised and sponsored by many organisations!)
My team and I managed to raise quite an outstanding amount of RM20,000 for a 10 days trip in
the united kingdom. Obviously everything will be accounted for and will be stated in details in the report later on. Still I am quite pleased with myself. I got RM13, 500 on my effort alone :) and i didn't get to sleep with anyone at all!!

anyway, i had my squids-pigout session at the office today and one of my friends was asking me, if it's considered cheating if one doesn't love his partner anymore. In a way, i think it does because one would be lying to oneself, trying to please the other half when the truth is, it's just a false pretense. it's not nice to string people along and i advised my friend to be truthful. hopefully things will work out.

theni went home afterwards and i stumbled my chemical romance song ' i don't love you (like i did you yesterday). that's a cruel song lol , perhaps she should listen to it.

Fun times

2008-06-28T13:54:00.002+08:00

I took part in a lot of things for the last two months and so far it has been a fun-ride. learned thousands of new things and hopefully i could gain a lot more for the months to come.

recently i was invited to speak for an English programme, organised by MARA to the novice teachers of Science and Mathematics. Did a number of fun-filled activities - taught them how to use dictionary, pronouncing the phonetic symbols and etc and we really had fun. got to know new people too and that seems to expand my networking as well.

aside for that been meeting up friends for breakfast to dinner for the past two weeks and i think my work is mostly now in KL than Langkawi ; feel bad for the kids in the school but i guess they have better and passionate teachers who are looking after them.

Leaving for the UK on MARA-UK Link schools programme on the 18th next month for 10 days. hope to meet up with good friends in London and a lot of drinking and catching up sessions to do (plus the summer shopping!!)

Life is just full of ironies i suppose but it's all good.

lullaby

2008-05-21T23:10:00.003+08:00

i finished marking the scripts last week so i got more time to spend doing nothing. Family is here so i don't really get to 'wander' off too far, deep into the forest lol.

i am waiting for an email from a colleague of mine - she had to shower first and it's been almost two hours and still no email. perhaps she is having something fun and forgets about me waiting at the other end. i won't be waiting but i need some information regarding the event held in Trolak next week and she asked for my help.

School holiday starts tomorrow for the students and Monday for the teachers. I have not planned anything special yet but I would be probably watching a friend who's part of the philharmonic orchestra - he's playing the base and the performance is on wednesday the 28th and thought of living the SATC night but it's not playing in Malaysia till July. perhaps the censorship board needs to scrutinise and cut the sex scenes in the film which i think is stupid as they would distort the plot and leave the audience puzzle and fucked. i was thinking of going to singapore, for the sake of the movie but then again it would be costly and i might as well use the money and save it for my london trip in july. i need to have amazing FUN there!!

right, just got a text from her. she's going to bed now - email me tomorrow :)
night night people

me.

Being human

2008-05-17T16:44:00.002+08:00

My parents and my sis & family are coming over tonight, for a week-stay, in langkawi. Yay! This is the reason why i had to finish my marking before Friday so I'd get to spend more time with my two nephews ; Naufal and Nazmi. They are just adorable. I know, people say that to Kids all the time but they are really affordable but if i were to choose, Nazmi is better looking than Naufal. No offence but Naufal looks so chinese.

Anyway, I was packing a few stuff last night and I came across my pictures in South Africa and all of a sudden, i got emotional. It amazed me how those pictures could bring me down that quick. So i stopped packing and spent hours looking at them There were funny moments and indeed those were happy times and I really had a good time and it does hurt looking at it now but it's a good memory. Those were certainly the times when I thought, I had everything I could ever ask for. Hmmmm... well i think being human is to feel, the happy and the sad and I don't want to end being bitter and all because that's not what i want to be. But sometimes, being human, you don't want to get hurt for silly things i suppose but you know, that silly
things would help us out to face some other problems along the way. Some of my friends who had the same problem, threw everything away and i don't think i want to do that, because i very much love and appreciate what i had before and i couldn't bring myself to discard them like that. they are good memories and we all ought to keep it and be strong. i think throwing it away is nasty and it's like one doesnt appreciate and running away from it and that's not the good to move on i reckon? This is not an everyday situation for me too but i think we have to be sensible though at time we can't afford to. i don't know. i'm learning still..

me.

time to grow

2008-05-13T19:16:00.004+08:00

i was looking through the old pictures on the computer (those that i had managed to salvage) and it made me realised that there were things that i'd taken for granted. i don't wish to turn back the time and re-live the moment - don't think there's a point to it anymore but i do wish that i have learnt from the mistakes i'd done in the past and not repeating them again and most importantly cherish what is left now.

I live alone so i have all the time to myself, to wonder, ponder and reflect what i have been through. and I am sure others have gone through, maybe the same things or the complete opposite but at the end, we all will learn something out of it. There were times where i thought i had figured everything out but now, i need to re-figure them again ; my set of priorities, the goals, the aims and what to do with the life and I intend to have a very good one. Yes, i will get upset eventually with things but i think right now, i have tougher skin and i believe i am stronger.

My aunt died a few weeks ago and she's my only favourite aunt. I love her to bits. when i got the news that she died, i was stunned and i cried because we didn't have a proper goodbye - death is abrupt and sudden ; everyone knows that. I was upset for a few hours then I was fine because I feel what is lost, is lost. she will always be remembered forever and I just had to move on. my cousins said i was numb with the whole situation and they were waiting for me to break down and cry but i haven't and i don't i will. is that a bad thing? i don't think so, i think it's all down to the acceptance. I accept that she left and i know that she won't be able to come back. I love her dearly and sometimes, i do think about her and i get sad but i understand that she's no longer with me and that's ok. Come to think of it, i need to thank someone for teaching me the need to accept, forgive and sail through the storms.

Me.

Personal

2008-05-07T18:43:00.000+08:00

I hadn't had the courage to write down things i felt before because I never thought I'd be able to write again. I thought I had lost the will to write because I had lost my one and only inspiration, the one that shook me to the core, the one who I thought would always be there for me. That was 3 months ago and things certainly have changed. I don't know if it's for the better or worst but I guess, in the end, it's entirely up to me on how to take it. I had my bad times after the big break up a few months ago. It was rather a combustion of a 5 year emotions. I took it hard on myself, i must admit. I mean, my world revolved around him and that's a mistake. I never blame him and I don't think i will be able to hate him. Things are just not working out between us and I just have to get over it.

Last couple of months, i think it's safe to say that i was in wreck but as days gone by, and of course with the help from good friends around (i don't think i'd survive that, without them all), I realised that if i didn't want to get better, i'd never will. And now,, I don't think i am the same person as i was before. I've grown so much from the relationship and i feel like if i can get through this, i can get through anything now and sometimes, i can see that's happening and in a way, i think i surprise myself with the way i handle things now.

Things are certainly looking up. I can get on my own two feet and making & meeting new people. I don't think being single is a bad thing anymore; in fact, it sorta clears up my mind a bit, looking things in a different angle to get a better perspective in life. I hope i will get better and better and flying high

Me

1st entry after months of silence

2008-05-07T07:04:00.000+08:00

I feel the need to blog now. Been through some shit-storms for the past months and I don't want to be miserable again. What is lost, is lost. There's no way of getting they're all back and I have to move on :)

It's been raining ever since here, in fact, i could here the thunders roaring from the distance. It shouldn't be this bad at this time of the year. We should have sunshine but i guess the weather has finally taken its toll, due to the global warming and all.

I start to make friends around now so i guess that's a good thing, eh?

will update later.

Me.

a fresh start

2008-02-23T17:34:00.001+08:00

Finally, i decided to write blogging again - after a two month silence and i'm doing it on a different site. It's a hassle doing it on friendster as I don't really use it anymore. Most of my friends are now on facebook.

so anyway, there's not much going on with my life for the past two months. I had such a blast in the UK last year for x-mas. been out most of the time, meeting new friends, shopping, drinking and stuff. its all good.

write later.
me.